The Paintaing

He sat down there holding his brush, all what was on his mind is her face nothinge else, on the white surface of the painting he started to paint her face with her beautiful twinkling eyes, all what he can paint was only her face with every single detail in it except her lips , he was not able at all to draw it, he called this paintaing " Silence " and when everyone ask him what is the reason he had drawn her with no lips and why he chose the name of it to be silence he answered back that he prefer not to tell anybody even his close friend didn't know why, but there inside himself was the answer that he can't told to anyone, how he can tell them that he had done that on purpose, the truth was so simple but people will never accpet it or will ridicule him, the reality was that he had never talked to her at all, she was that simple and quiet girl living next door, he still remember the day when they met each other for the first time, that he was back home holding some of the paint stuff he uses in his work and the elevator was about to close but he jumped quickly and put his hand to prevent it's door from closing and in this hand was one of the buckets of colors and when the door hit his hand it slipped away and fell inside the elevator and sprinkle all it's content inside it and as the doors opened up againg he found her inside the elevator covered with the red paintaing that he was holding, he was totally embarresd and run out of words as nothing can be said in such a situation and was ready to accept every single word she will call him with, but he was totally shocked to see her laughing out loud, he stared at her as if he was enchanted by her sweet laugh and for a while her kept staring at her then her purset into laughter with her too, they exchanged their names and he knew from her that she is his neighbour since a while but they never met each other, and since that time he felt strnage feelings when he meets her wherever he goes.

After a while he was sure that he is so in love with her, but he didn't has the gut to tell her what was his feelings towards her, they just exchange few hellos and anything he wanted to say he say it with his eyes nothing more nothing less, that is why he draw her face without her lips as all their talk was only by  eyes.

It was that day when he felt so sick and didn't go to the gallery and when he called to know about any paintaing was sold out, and they told him that his beloved paintaing was sold " Silence " he was so shocked and asked who had baught it but the answer was so disappointing to him as his assisstant told him that the buyer preferred to be anonymous, from that time he felt so lonely as her paintaing means alot ot him he even sometimes talked to it, revealing all what is hidden there between rips to it, and all what he wanted that to know who baught it but no use, then one day as he was sitting doing some of his work, the bell of his door rang and he went to open the door but noone was there just only a package wrapped in a brown paper, he stepped out his door to see if anybody was there but he found nothing so he took the package inside, he sat down and hold it wondering about what is there inside it, then he finally took a decision to open it, he ripped out the brown paper aorund it to be surprised that he found his paintaing "Silence"  inside it but with something new added to it which was her lips he felt so confused and anger, why did the buyer give it back to him and why did he mess out with his paintaings but the answer was quickly when he looked at the back of the painting to find a paper written in it her name with her number .

The Broken Toy

She was sitting there in her balcony drinking her coffee, it was one of those early monings in winter and although she was enjoying her coffee so much in such freezing atmosphere but her mind was there reviewing her past again, she knows it is so stupid to let her past control her present and it is more foolish to let it control her future but she was just thinking she can't hold herself back from doing that, she remembered how she met him the only man she believed is the one, the memories they shared together,  how she felt him to the bone, how she understood his unspoken words before the uttered one, his silence before his words, how everything goes smoothly with him but deep down inside her heart a small whisper about how that will end up so soon so awfully and how she always know that this unknown voice was rarely to say false things. Eventually what she felt was coming happened he suddenly left her with no words, no excuses or even a gesture. It was so awful to go again through this phase for her, her mind was so crowded by thoughts and assumptions, she thought may be she neglected him , or may be she was not perfect , or may be she was so easy going , or may be she didn't expect good but always listen to this mysterious voice within her telling her that only bad things will happen and as they say you get what you only expect, it was like earthly hell for her but she knew deep down in her heart that it is only a phase she was going through it ad of course she had learned the lesson so good and she knew so well that she will never love again like this time, not because of many things that passed in her mind but she was sure that something was broken inside her and can not be mended again by any other way and will never be and no one has a cure for it, she just knew that she had lost her faith in such kind of love and she will never feel butterflies again , her  heart became just like a deserted island ad there is a tree in it to provide some shadow for passing by passengers .

Her thoughts take her along her long journey until she reached the memory of that other man who crossed her life, she enjoyed his accompany so much, he was so funny one with a very attractive sense of humor , she loved his sarcasm and how sometimes when he talk with her she can feel that he is weaving a very warm hands that hug her so tightly and make her find a little place to rest in it, but she also knows that what between him and her is like a beautiful toy that they pass it for each other, enjoyig seeing it flip and goes around and every toy has an end just like any other thing in our world, but the end came so soon more than was expecting, the end came when he strated to take what between him and her as a true and actual thing, she just find herself escapig from him, making excuses to cancel their meetings, she is sure that this time will end like others for many reasons and what attract them together is only appearences but reality is too awful, but he was struggling to have her back to make what is between them as a reality but all his effort was invain she insisted on her thoughts , as she was going through all those ideas her phone was ringing intrupting her and bring her back to present, the call was from him, she hesitated whether to answer or not, her hands were trembling so badly, she answered : Hello , and from the other side his so disappointed vioce came saying : Hello , she was so quiet so he took the lead saying : so have you made your mind about us or what, i hope you have think about my last words to you, she was so quiet but she decided to be frank with him and answered back : " Yes, i have made up my mind since a while, what was between us was just like a toy, that we loved and enjoyed so much passing it to each other watching her with so eager eyes to see it making more pleasent moves but now this toy is broken and even if we tried again to mend it and make it work again , it will just look so pathetic and awful ".

Her Eyes

He was sitting there is his bedroom all by himself , thinking about many past things in his life . He felt so sad for what had happened between him and her , their relationship really didn't deserve to end up like this , he started to call back each moment they shared together , their laughs , their words even their arguments . He felt like that the clock is stuck on thoughts of him and her , suddenly he felt he miss her so much , miss being with her , miss sharing everything with her , she was another world for him a world where he can be himself without pretending , a world where everything is so sweet and pure and since they left each other he was not able to be himself anymore . He suddenly remembered those photos of her he was keeping them on his computer , so he opened it and started to search for the photos with so much anxiety that he would not find them , but as he was about to give up he found the folder where he kept all her photos . He opened the folder searching for a specific picture for her , as this picture he had took it for her in a day when they were walking together along the shore , in that day she was so happy and her eyes were twinkling for him as stars shining in the sky in a very clear night so he grapped his camera and took that picture for her . As soon as he found the picture he opened it and started to zoom on her eyes , he kept on zooming on it as he made her eyes taking the whole space on his screen , he kept in staring inside her beautiful eyes feeling like he became hynotized , he felt as if he was able to reach her to see her amazing soul throughout her eyes , he felt that she is really the one and he can't let her go and may be they have misunderstood each other but they love each other , he was so sure of that as he remembered that tears were like a flood the night they decided they can't be together anymore . He felt deep sadness for being away from her and felt like world will be like hell without her , so he decided that he will try just for one last time may be it will works . He grapped his phone texting her a message of only three words " I miss you " and started to think whether to send it or just give up and cancel the whole thing , moments were like years for him and he was not sure of what to do but at last he made up his mind and pushed the send button . He waited for couple of hourse waiting for the answer but nothing came back so he decided he will go to sleep and never think about it anymore , he convinced himself it was worthy to try but everything has an end and it seems to be that this was the end of their relationship . As he was about to sleep his phone made this sweet tone of recieving a message , he opened it with so much hurry and he found it from her , she replied with only two words " Me too " .

Before & After ....

He was standing alone thinking about how was his life used to be , the loneliness he felt for so much nights , his longings for a partner on his very own , someone to understand him , someone to hide himself inside her arms when life become so cruel , someone to talk to when everyone else is busy and have no time for him , someone that he will not be afraid to be himself infront of , to speak with her whatever comes up on his mind without trying to filter it , sometimes he felt like this special dream is forbidden that is why his prayers about it seems to be never recieve an answer . He has friends , relatives and many other people on his life but her only her this ambigues known woman to him was the one he was longing to find her , for him loneliness was not just to be alone by himself somewhere only but the worst loneliness was to be among people although he felt deep loneliness , sometimes he imagined some discussions that took place between them , how they exchange words with each other , how she looked towards him , how she responsed back when he starts to flirt with her , all those things he used to imagine and sometimes to laugh about or even smile , he knows those imaginations are only daydream thoughts but he couldn't hold himself back from having them from time to time just to console him in his waiting time for her appearence , sometimes life become so cruel to him to the limit he admits that she is only a fancy thought and she will never appear but then something appear in his life to assure she is a reality but she will only be a touched one when the peoper time come .

His bittersweet thoughts about her never stopped from coming back to him from time to time , it was bitter because it reminds him of his loneliness but sweet because it was about her ,  to be himself was a something that too hard as everyone tried to twist him to fit their vision but he knows that only she will be the one that will never do so , she will accept him as he is but furthermore that she will be proud of every single thing they used to attack him for . The worst thing that always made him get frusturated so deeply is when he meet a girl and he thought that she is the one then suddenly everything ends up in a very shocking way he can't understand why that happened , is it because he was in hurry to find his soulmate so he didn't notice that she was not the one or what happened it was so painful to him to get through all those frusturations as he didn't know whether it will be after alll deserve to go through all that , his thoughts was like a very raging ocean taking him from place to another reminding him of old scars , disappointments and misfortunes and as the ghost of his old sad memories going to haunt him suddenly her cozy , beautiful  and full of love voice called his name , he knew that she was searching for him , in his mind he was thinking " She , oh yes she my dream that suddenly appeared from no where , the dream that become a truth at once " , he didn't care to remember how they met each other or how things goes on in that way till she became his woman in front of god and infront of everyone else , all what matters she is the one of his very own , his shelter , his secrets keeper , his ..... as he was thinking what else she means to him he heard her voice again calling his name , he smiled with a very wide lips and answered her back  " Am here dear in the balconey come join me , the moon is full and i want to share this magnificent view with you " , after those words a very wierd thought came on his mind that how was before night for him was so gloomy and full of sadness to him and how now after she came into his life night become the most lovely time for him as he spend most of it with the love of his life .

Fear is " False Evidence Appearing Real" ( part one )

It was a very long day that is the only idea that keep on making so loud noise inside his head , everything seems that it happened so fast , he felt like that he is terribly exahusted to the limit he can't show his grief on his beloved wife , he still can hear people around him whispering words to each other saying " poor him what he will do now , she was his world , i didn't see a husband love his wife this way ... " and more but all words just was nothing compared to him and he can't handle people this time at all . His best friend asked him " if you really don't want to spend this night alone i can come spend it with you ? ", he replied : " no i will be ok , i prefer to spend this night alone i need that so much " , he felt as if a very heavy stone was on his heart was removed when it was declared that the funeral was over , he was so eager to leave the place , to run away from reality to escape all those words of consolation that he don't want to listen or even hear any single letter of them .

It was finally over he said to his friend that he is not totally in a mood to stand and listen to any talk anymore so he will leave and go to his home as all what he want to hear now is deep silence . As he entered his home he felt so lonely as if suddenly life stopped and night and day were over , he struggled to swallow his pain and sadness , he tried to do his best to prevent his tears from escapimg from his eyes and the worst he was in a severe fight against this killing pain in his heart , the pain of knowing he will not hear her voice again , the pain that he will not hug her tightly with his arms again , the pain that he will not even argue with her again . The whole idea about losing her in that way was killing every single cell inside him , the most thing that really hurt him so much deep inside is that the fear of losing her become so living truth that he don't know how to deal with .

He started to feel that he can't handle the feeling of losing any one anymore , so he started to be more alone to spend many days and nights alone , even his close friends he stopped to hang out with telling them fake excuses about not going out with , all his life was just to go to work and go back home , spending most of his time reading her diary or watching their photos together , for him life was over just few days until he will follow her to heaven . That night when he fell sleep he dreamed of her , she was so beautiful so alive to him , she gave to him a paper written in it two words that he don't know what they really mean or even written in which language , she said to him : " keep this paper with you and try to do your best to understand what is inside it " and as soon as he moved his hand towards her to touch her beautiful face he woke up due to his clock alarm sound , he was covered by sweat and his heart beats were so fast  , he sat on his bed taking his breath trying to calm himself as much as he can , he then went to the bathroom standing infront  of the mirror washing his face with water , he looked at his eyes so deep in the mirror remembering each detail in the dream and suddenly he remembered the words that was written in the paper his wife's spirit gave to him so he hurried up to his desk and grapped a pen and wrote down those two words " Aetatis Progressu " ..... to be continued.

The Wish ...

Our life is mainly about wishes and dreams that we always hope one day we will achive them and make them a living truth , but it is not always our wishes or dreams come true not for anything but because they are too fancy. For her it was so long day full of arguments and conversations , her mind was so busy full of many thoughts , ideas and many things she got to do . The moment she get herself inside her car after all this long day at work she sat for a while enjoying this calm silence around her , then she turned her car on to drive back home , the way back was not quite smooth , she wishes if the way only be more easy than that while that she was straying outside her car's window thinking about him , she thought about how things were so beautiful , the warm cozy feelings inside their home together , the laughter and love that always was between them , while her hand was on the wheel she touched her wedding ring with her thump rubbing it so softly , watching the hazy reflection of her in it and a ghost of a smile appeared at the corner of her lips when she remembered when he put this ring in her hand promising her to be always there for her . She thought that she didn't know whether being busy that much at work was a blessing or not as may be it exhausts her mind but at the same time it keeps her mind busy from thinking about him , busy from remembering how fate didn't give them more long time to be together , she entered her home and felt as if a cold breeze touched her skin and she felt a shiver down her spine  , she sat down on the couch trying to make things be more easy on her , as she raised her head up she found his picture infront of her , he was looking so charming with his twinkling eyes and beautiful smile , she felt as if he was looking straight in her eyes , she grapped the picture and slept on her side on the couch and gave it a kiss and kept looking at it moving her little finger on his small face in the picture , she missed being in his arms to lean her head on his chest and to listen to the profound sound of his heart beats that sound that always make her felt so deep tranquil inside , she wished if only he can come back for a moment to hide her little body inside his hands to feel his warmth again , to smell his beautiful remarkable smell once again and to hear the soothing sound of his heart beats but no use he was not there anymore and as she reached this point her warm tears betrayed her eyes and started to flow .

And i hate the phone but i wish you would call ....

At that night , he felt as if this world was empty , empty of people , empty of feelings , empty of stars , moon , clouds . Everything just look so gloomy for him , he didn't imagine that one day she will say those words that never look like they are made of letters but they are made of daggers to him , " It is over , there is no more us " that how she ended what was between them , on his way back home he started to remember every single moment they share with the echo of her last words with them . Finally he reached his home , he didn't know how that happened but just interpret it as if his legs has an independent mind that took him there , he entered throwing away his keys , ignore to switch the light on and went staright to his bedroom . He sat down at the end of his bed in darkness thinking about what happened , placing his phone beside him , he was just trying to figure out what was going on through the whole last days of them together , he knew that he had did some mistakes so she too but he was sure there wasn't anything deserve to give up about their relationship , he also was sure about the fact that he will get over it with a way or another but " how " that was the thing he was not so sure about if he knows it or not . Suddenly he remembered his phone that was beside him , he remembered that at this time he was supposed to be talking to her on it as she used to check if he reached his home safely  , he looked at the phone so long as if he was saying a secret prayer inside himself asking if she only call , just to call even just to say hello but no use , at this moment he sank into this unbearable silence around him , he felt as if even the air around him suddenly gained some weight and placed all of it on him , he became so sure that he really hate his phone and hate it's stupid silence so much but at the same moment he was wishing deep down inside his heart if she would call .... just call .

The Reflection

It was a very long exhausting day for her , finally she finished it and everything passed away , she was so confused alot of ideas just goes around and around as if they compete in a very long race , she goes to the station waiting for the train , the same thoughts and flashbacks still racing inside her head , she just was praying and sometimes begging them to stop to just leave her rest for a while to announce peace with her but no use , finally the train arrived and she jumped into it , as she started to search for an empty seat to only drop her exhausted body on it , as she sat down she leaned her head against the window contemplating how things looks like moving so fast as the train moves on she find it so sarcastic how things outside looking as if they are moving fast while in fact it was the train that was moving  , she felt like that life is like the train moving so fast passing her and many other things and people and they just stand watching it passing by them , as the train arrived to her destination she was prepearing herself to leave it and go off the train , at this very moment when she was about to leave her eyes met their reflection  on the glass window of the train she was petrified she was not able to move her leg any step furthur any more what she saw inside her eyes  at this moment was more than she can able to handle , she saw a very deep grief and pain that she was doing her best to hide it from any one around her very obvious in her eyes as significant bold sun rising above clouds .

Very Short Conversation ...

We were sitting together , he suddenly turned to me and was about to tell me something but then he shut his mouth swallowing his words like a bitter syrup , then he turned again back to me with a look full of determination on his face and said : My dear I promise you i will never break your heart , i promise you with every single part of me i will never do this to you , then he fell down in silence as if he finally was able to throw this heavy burden from his shoulders , i looked back to him in his eyes looking at him with eyes mixed up with alot of emotions and with a ghost of a smile on my lips , i gave a sigh and then replied back : calm down my dear , don't be so harsh on yourself , it is ok for me because you can't break my heart just for one single reason , It is already BROKEN .

Flashback

Throughout life we make a lot of memories, sometimes good other bad, they are just the raw material of our past we need them as they are a serious part of our identity. In most of times I get some flashbacks, I can't identify what brings those flashbacks to my mind it must be something irritate them in my memory so I restore them back, I get troubled, sweat, my heartbeats start to be fast, but I do my best to keep the balance in front of others that everything is going easy and just something pass by and there is no need to discuss it.

That day will always be engraved into my mind whatever I will do nothing will erase it, sometimes I wish I have an amnesia in order to forget about totally but then that will mean that I will lose a very precious part of me, to forget about the turning point in my life, it is the very critical moment when I kissed away my old identity and welcomed back my new one, my heart knows about it I was sure that is going to happen but I just tried to make some illusions that no everything will be ok nothing will change it is just some serious moments that we pass through but unfortunately that didn't happen, memories keep chasing me about it, I can’t escape from it, even sometimes just something bring it back to my mind I find myself shout so loudly saying " back off ".

It is so hard on me to talk about such close moments in my life, for others it was just moments happened but for me each moment was a single day, I got lost after it, I was wandering in streets staring at people aimlessly as if I am lost, tears were blinding me, shouting that it is impossible, I got so sensitive toward anything remind me about it, even the clothes I was wearing that day I swear I will not wear them again, I act as if everything is ok but it still not, his picture is chasing me, I keep on ignoring looking at it, but then as I just by coincidence looking at window I see his picture reflecting at it, I just ask myself how it would be if he still  here, I know he feels me, knows about me, but I miss a lot about him, my old me is dead and gone after he past away, the problem about getting older that you can't deal with everything as easy it only become more complicated as you get older about everything : emotions, acceptance, feelings, sensations, thinking and a lot .it is not about that he is not here any more it is about the ability not to see him and a picture can not solve that for me, I miss his talk, jokes, proverbs, comments even when he get angry at me but the most I miss the sound of his voice, sometimes I wish that I have taped his voice just to listen to it when I miss him that much. You can save memories, pictures, videos but you can't ever save the voice, it still echoes but the voice itself keeps on escaping from your ears as water escapes from your fingers.

Whatever I will try to do I think some memories and flashbacks are meant to be kept in our minds not to torture us but to always remind us of how we grow through life and how our identities formed through time, may be they are a little bit have a bitter effect on us but their sweet taste will always be there to make us love their presence in our life.            

سقط عمدا من الذاكره

عفوا لقد سقطت عمدا من الذاكره

أجل مع سبق الاصرار و الترصد

لا تلمني لقد حذرتك من قبل و لكنك لم تلق لي بالا

أحقا تريد الحديث عما مضي

لا فائده من ذلك الا تعلم ان الماضي لا يحدث ثانيةً

لقد اجدت دورك كمخرب الي اقسي الدرجات

دمرت تلك الصوره التي رسمتها لنا

لا ادري ما فعلت بإستهتارك و لكن كأنك قد أضرمت فيها النيران

تآكلت و ضاعت ملامحها تماما

لا تنعتني بقاسية القلب , فأنا فقط أردت ان أثبت لك

ان احيانا قد يتفوق التلميذ علي أستاذه

لم يكن ما بيننا حب بل فقط مشاعر تائهه في صحراء النفس

لقد اخذت اتذكر كل ما حدث بيننا

أتعلم , لم أشعر و لو بذرة حزن ان ذلك قد مضي و انتهي

لقد أزحت عن كاهلي الكثير

قد كنت أظنك اشجع من هذا و لكن عزيزي دعنا نكون صرحاء

أنت جبان

و انا ما حلمت قد بحياةٍ مع جبان

و لأكون اكثر صراحه الحياة سوف تكون أفضل بكثير

من دونك

Inspired by and dedicated to a close friend

....ماذا بعد

ماذا بعد سؤال يطرح نفسه بقوه علي الساحه , هل حقا بدأت الثوره ام ماذا , لماذا هذا الصمت الحكومي , هل هو نوع من الغباء السياسي المعهود ام ماذا و لماذا هذه الغطرسه الحكوميه , لماذا اصبح واقع الوطن العربي اسوأ من أسوأ الكوابيس التي قد تداهمنا اثناء النوم , فإذا استمعت لنشرات الاخبار و أغفلت الاسماء سيتضح لك انها تتكرر بشكل شبه منهجي في جميع اسقاع الوطن العربي فالمظاهرات اصبحت شبه سمه اساسيه في الشارع العربي و اذا دققت النظر في الهتافات التي يقولها المتظاهرين في إشتبكاتهم مع قوات الشرطه قد تخلط بينها و بين الاشتبكات التي تحدث بين الفلسطينين و قوات الاحتلال فهل اصبحا محتلين من قبل قواتنت المحليه و لماذا اصبح هذا هو الواقع الغالب علي الشعوب العربيه لماذا ننتظر سنين و نضيع من العمر وقت لا نستطيع استرداده في الخوف و الاختباء و النتيجه واحده و هي الثوره هل هو جين عربي لا نستطيع تفاديه و قد انكتب علينا الاستسلام و انيكون الخيار الاخير دائما هو الثوره و لماذا دائما نثور ضد الاوضاع عامة لماذا لا تكون فكرة الثوره فكره قائمه بحد ذاتها في مجتمعاتنا العربيه نثور ضد الظلم و الفساد و المحسوبيه في اعمالنا لا فقط ضد الحكومات السياسيه , 
 لماذا دائما نترك الامور هي  التي تحركنا و كأننا كعرائس الماريونيت لا تدب فينا الحياه الا  اذا قام احد بالإمساك بتلك العصا و بدأ يتمايل بها يمينا و يسارا لماذا فقدنا القدره في ان نحقق ما نريد و لماذا دائما الاحساس بقلة الحيله اهو نوع من انواع الهلاوس التي يتم زرعها في تفكيرنا منذ الصغر 
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

و بعد طول انتظار و بعد ان استشري الفساد بعد اكثر من خمس و عشرون عاما من الفساد ثورنا قمنا لتنفيذ ما نريد فهل هي حقا البدايه ام انها سحابه صيفيه اتت و ذهبت دون رجعه , قد يقارن البعض الوضع المصري بالوضع التونسي و هذه ن اكبر الاخطاء فكل بلد تختلف عن الاخري في كثير من الامور بل من ضمن الوقائع التي لا يمكن اغفالها هي ان الجيش كان في عون اشقائنا في تونس و لكن نحن ثورتنا شعبيه دون تأييد عسكري بعد , و لكن مما يلفت الانظار هو عند النظر في حلول اخري لا تجد فقد اجادت الحكومه في سد جميع الثغرات الاخري التي قد ينفد منها الشعب فلم يبقي غير ثوره بمطالب برحيل الحكومه و الرئيس و لكن لا تحمل حلول لما بعد ذلك فقد اجادوا ايضا في ان لا يتركوا لنا مرشحين اخرين قد نستطيع الاعتماد عليهم فجميع من نستطيع ان نراهم ينقصهم الكثير ولا يوجد بينهم من يستطيع قيادة دوله ذو ثقل مثل مصر

أخيرا و ليس بآخر سؤال يطرح ذاته بقوه ماذا تريد الجزيره , ماذا تريد من وراء تلك الوثائق التي افرجت عنها بما يتعلق بالمفوضات الفلسطينيه و الاسرائيليه , حقا ماذا يريدوا فهل الشعب الفلسطيني في حاجه الي مزيد من البلبله ولا تقنعني تلك المبادره في نشر الحقائق و توضيح الامور فلا يحضرني في ما تفعله الجزيره غير تلك المقوله الشهيره اللهم قني شر اصدقائي اما اعدائي فأنا كفيل بهم 
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و يبقي السؤال يتكرر ماذا بعد .... ماذا بعد

فليحيا الوطن و لتسقط الديكتاتوريه و لتسقط قبل منها السلبيه و الضعف

 

Sadness

Paulo Coelho said once that "Anyone who has known happiness will never again be able humbly to accept sadness" this saying really stopped me a lot and start to think what he really want to say and are we really have ability to accept or refuse sadness or he wanted to say that to accept sadness as a life style or what really lies behind those words, but if we really capable of choosing to accept or refuse sadness then how it can be possible that we sometimes choose it over happiness are we that much of dumbness , aren't we ?

Through life we only learn that we can choose what to eat , wear , say and a lot but when it comes to feelings a fog just start to spread around our way of thinking , as happiness have a power on us so is sadness but the most complicated thing about sadness that it is much like a well that you whether pushed to fall into it or you just simply chooses it as a place to live in it and to accept all the shadows and curses that it's surrounded with , the matter of choosing can be practiced as long as we breath but some things we just accept the fact we can't change or choose to change some of those things is sadness but  whether if looks beautiful or ugly to us we must deal with it sooner or later , by love or by hatred , sadness will always prevail in some situations against our will as it has this revolutionary element that make it a necessary and may be it's existence is for us to appreciate happiness when it knocks on our doors ….!!!!!!!         

The Colors of Autumn

Colors of autumn are just like mediums, you can't find a so plain color in them, the leaves look a like yellow, red and brown , you find them every where giving the roads a very uncommon scene , you can't determine whether this scene is joyful or melancholic . Although the colors of the autumn are evidence that the leaves are dead but it is also an indication that they another leaves will be born again with their joyful greenish color.

Some people call autumn "fall" may be because the leaves fall from their home branches and starts to wander in the streets with the wind without any previous destination for them to know, they form a visual symphony that it is hard to ignore watching it, seeing them moving like waves of sea together as if they are saying that may be we have abandoned our branches but we will stick together forever, while watching them you don't know whether they are celebrating their freedom or if they are consoling each other for their unknown destiny , I don't know much about their stories or secrets but I always hold deep inside this mysterious feeling that I can't determine it's name or identity yet that the autumn and it's leaves with their significant colors always give me .

محكمه

ساعات الواحد بيحب يفضفض بكلمتين مع حد من خنقته يعني علي حسب و ساعات بيبقي عايز يتكلم عن حاله مع حد يثق فيه او يمكن يقوله علي حل للمشكله اللي هو فيها علي حسب الظروف بس المشكله اللي ساعات كتير بنقع فيها لما تييجي تتكلم مع حد و تلاقيه بدل ما يفهمك لأ يقعد بقي يئنب فيك و ينصبلك محكمه و يحاكمك و يبقي هو القاضي و المستشارين و النيابه و كمان العسكري المسئول عن حراسة المتهم حاجه كده تجيب إكتئاب زياده , طيب ليه في ناس دايما بتعمل كده ليه بنحاكم بعض مع ان مش من حق حد فينا انه يحاسب اللي حواليه مهما كان الغلط ممكن تقول نصيحه ممكن نعبر عن اعتراض عن اللي حصل او رد الفعل لكن نحاسب طيب ازاي اذا كلنا بتغلط و كلنا من وقت للتاني مبنحسبش الامور صح و ساعات بنتصرف بطريقه مفيهاش اي نوع من انواع التفكير , بتهيألي ده نوع من انواع الثقافه العامه يعني حاجه كده كل الناس بتعملها مش كلهم بالضبط يعني بس المعظم و المشكله ان الناس اللي بتعمل كده مبتفهمش قد ايه هي بتتسبب في حالة خانقه للي قدامها و في بعض الاحيان في بعض الناس مبتحسبهاش صح و بتبقي النتيجه ان رد الفعل بيبقي اسوا من الفعل اللي قبله .

في فيلم الكيت كات كان فيه مشهد عبقري قوي بيروح فيه الشيخ حسني للشيخ مجاهد و بيبقي عارف انه زعلان منه علشان رهن البيت فبيقعد يوضحله موقفه و انه لازم ميزعلش منه قد ايه الحوار كان عبقري و الفكره في حد ذاتها انه رجل كفيف بيشكي حاله لواحد تاني فارق الحياه يمكن ده حسسني انه ساعات احنا كمان بنحتاج حد يسمعنا بطريقة انصات عم مجاهد للشيخ حسني بس الفرق انه يكون عايش يفهمك يستوعب كل كلمه بتقولها و كل كلمه مقولتهاش و كل احساس ورا الكلام اللي احنا بنقوله و كأن ده طلب عسير لأنه واضح انه من النادر انك تلاقي انسان يفهمك بالشكل ده يسمعلك و يفهمك من غير ما يطلق عليك احكام مسبقه يعرف ان طبيعتك كبشر فيها جزء جميل و جزء قبيح ان فينا من الملايكه و فينا من الشياطين و انه طبيعي اننا ان زي ما بنعمل صح بنعمل غلط و زي ما فينا شئ من الذكاء فينا شئ ايضا من الغباء و اننا نحس ببعض زي ما الشيخ حسني حس ان عم مجاهد فارق الحياه بالرغم من انه كفيف بس الاحساس مالوش دعوة بالبصر و ان الاسوأ من فقدان البصر هو فقدان البصيره .

Secrets

We all have secrets; whether big, small, complicated, ordinary or whatever, some secrets are so hard on us and others not but as a human nature we always tend to keep secrets about ourselves or about others. What really control us about secrets that in most of times we think that what we know must only be known by only us no one else and no one will understand it if we tell them about it, the details of any secret is always sacred and can't be told to anyone but what if what we assumed to be secretive is not that way at all then that's mean we tend to exaggerate about the facts in our lives.

When we keep a secret we think that we are in control for what will cause problems to us or that we are directing our life to the way we want it to go to. The most thing that bother about secrets that when you get confronted with a situation that requires from you to speak out loud to others what you have been hiding all this time from them , you start to question , doubt and speculate about the others reactions , how they will accept it or deal with it and of course when the secret is about something that have caused you pain in the past you become more sensitive for it and don't know what to do , there is no a guiding menu for such situations all what you have to do is to go after your instincts and hope that it will guide rightly otherwise there will be some massive consequences for it and all what we have to do then is to know how to deal with it as grown up's secrets world is much complicated than children's secrets world , it is full of details touching us deeply , causing some significant changes in our life and more .

Some people believe that a secret is only so when it between two persons, other thinks the same with only small change about the identity of those two people that they are you and yourself. In most of times secrets are about something happened in the past or something gone but if it become known it will affect the present with a way or another, secrets are just like daggers that pointed to you heart, soul and sometimes to your dignity and when it comes to them we tend to be more cautious who we tell, what hints we give about them and how we will deal with them. Secrets world is a very ambigiues and gloomy place with a big sign written on it "ATTENTION" that makes adrenaline pumps so fast when you even think about stepping into its property.       

صندوق الدنيا

زمان كان فيه راجل بيدور بعربيه شكلها غريب جدا و كان بيسميها صندوق الدنيا كان بيبقي فيها زي فتحات كده الاطفال تقعد تبص منها علي شاشه او علي خلفيه يتعرض عليها قصه من قصص الاطفال القديمه سندريلا , الملاك النائم و كتير من القصص القديمه البريئه بتاعة زمان اما انا بقي صندوق الدنيا بتاعي مختلف تماما عن صندوق الدنيا بتاعة زمان هو مش صندوق هو في الحقيقه قزاز العربيه اللي قدام , ساعات و انا في مشوار بتصادف انه مفيش مكان اركن بما ان القاهره اصبحت و لا اغنية عدويه زحمه دي بقت حاجه اسوأ من الزحمه المهم طبعا بتضطر ان اقعد في العربيه و اللي معايا هو يروح يخلص اللي جايين علشانه طبعا بيبقي القعاد في العربيه ممتع و دقايق الانتظار بتبقي تقيله قوي تحس ان كل دقيقه ساعه بحالها طبعا مبيبقاش قدامي غير اني اقعد اتفرج علي اللي رايح و جاي و اتفرج من صندوق الدنيا

لاحظت حاجات غريبه قوي الناس بقة بتمشي في الشارع سلوكياتها بقة غريبه ده بيتريق علي ده و ده مشغول في الموبايل معندوش إستعداد انه يركز في اي حاجه تاني و ماشي عمال يخبط في ده شمال و يمين و واحد ماشي وهموم الدنيا كلها علي وشه و دي ماشيه بطريقه غريبه جدا طريه مستفزه و مش فاهمه ليه هي بتمشي كده و من وقت للتاني بتييجي عيني في عين اللي ماشيين ده غير بقي أجزاء المناقشات و الحوارات اللي ممكن احيانا تفهم منها المناقشه كلها عن ايه و ساعات يدفعني فضولي اني افكر ممكن يكونوا بيتكلموا عن ايه بس فعلا هو صندوق العجايب كمان مش الدنيا بس لأن يتمر عليا مواقف و احاديث غريبه بكل الاشكال ساعات بتحس ان اللي بيتكلم عنده وجهة نظر و ساعات تحس انه بيتكلم لمجرد الكلام نوع من انواع التعبير عن الذات اهه كله كلام و ياسلام بقي لو في حاجه مثلا خبر او مشكله عامله قلق في البلد بشمع شوية كلام يعني الحقيقه انه ساعات بيبقي معقول و ساعات بيبقي كلام في اللامعقوليزم مالوش اي معني اصلا بس تحت اي بند اللحظات دي ساعات بتفرق معايا لأني بقيت الاحظ ان الناس بقة تتصرف علي راحتها قوي في الشارع لدرجة اني بحس انهم اصلا مش شايقيني او شايفين اي حد تاني بس اللحظات دي بتضيفلي كتير وفي وجهة نظري للأمور و ساعات بتسيبني محتاره مش عارفه اقرر احس بأيه تجاه اللي انا شايفاه  

Yoga

It was my first time to experience such a kind of meditation, I thought it is a little bit about stretching and some calming positions but it turned to be more exhausting somehow not much but not as I thought, our leader was playing some soft weird music I think it is much like Indian music , we do some positions and finally after I felt so consumed by such kind of strong sport we came to the end of the class and we end it up by lying on our backs with straight legs and she turned off all the lights and said with so soft low voice that is so close to whisper " just relax , leave everything behind and relax , kick out the tension and try to feel deep calmness "  .

I lied down and try to do as she told us but my mind was as if so rebellious refuse to rest, it started to be crowded with ideas and thoughts and I was like a hunter chasing every single one of them to kick them out of my mind to just relax those so few moments and finally when I was about to win my battle against them they all vanished away as if I was left in deserted island as if I was only chasing a mirage and only one single face stuck into my mind with so much details and other guessing things , a lot of questions started to appear about it what happened and what will happen , what tomorrow will bring , what if it was not meant to be , but what if I was wrong , a lot of why's and what's just started to spread like a very lethal virus and I was trapped between more than an answer and some can satisfy me while others create more questions behind them and all of sudden as I was about to be swallowed by this whirlpool of questions and answers she just throw to me the robe that by which I will survive when she said " now open your eyes and start to get up so slowly  ".    

The Moment

To be honest I didn't experience such a moment yet in my life and don't know whether am going to experience it or not but this is not what matters for me now what always capture my mind is what kind of feelings haunt the mind of a woman in this time, does she really feel so eager about it or afraid from it, does she feel happiness and that finally what she was always hoping for to happen will come true, does she appreciate her faith more or she will be so afraid of what coming next for her , the moment she holds the pen to sign the contract this simple paper that will attach her as it supposed to be for life time to one man creating a whole life with new and specific rules about them and about their life what really means

 to her or is it just another moment that will pass and nothing remain from it .

Once upon a time I asked a friend what do you really felt in this moment and her answer was so puzzling she said " I felt it was my last chance to say no ", the society in which I was raised never deals with such moments in much more attention they just deal with it as a scientific fact and that is so weird for me , as such moments shape our life and draw a simple outline for the future days for us such moments means a lot and that is why they have specific celebrations for them , most women I have seen they looks so anxious but not from this moment but from the pressure behind the whole celebration itself , how she looks , how she acts , how she speaks and a lot but they neglect this they just come up about it's importance after life goes on and she started to think about what if she didn't sign this contract ..??!!!  

The Letters Of The Sea

It is an egyptian movie written and directed by a very talented director called Dawood abd el sayed , well am not here to make a critical essay about the movie am just trying to interpert somethings about it , The movie is about a young man named Yehia he supposed to be a doctor but he quit practicing his job as he always stammer when he talks and in most of times the only result he get is that most of his patients , nurses and other doctors with him just purst into laughter when he talks , after some personal reasons he decided to leave cairo and go to live in his family appartment alone in alexandria , he didn't find any propriate work to earn some extra money with it except to practice fishing and sell what he got from fishes into the market , most of the movie scenes was silent , his conversations with himself was full of emotions hidden one of course , althought the movie name is letters of the sea but during the film the only obvious letter was found by yehia in the sea preserved in a bottle he did his best until he get it out of the bottle but he was not able to translate it as it's language was so vague and he didn't know what was it about or even it's writter wanted what from writting it .

I think the writer was only trying to catch the attention of the spectator of the movie as the first thing came in my mind that he will find alot of bottles with new messages but that was not true , but at the end of the movie you came to know that it was really alot of messages from the sea but an abstract messages that can be felt and understanded but not to be read , you can read them only by mind not by eyes , they are not messages like those ordinary one . Once while he was in agreat need to fish some fishes to get money with them as he was starving and had no money the sea didn't give him any of his fishes so he was so angry and screamed out loud to the sea saying "  when i came to you and was not in need of any of your propety you gave me but when i came to you and in a great need of just some of it you didn't give me some of it " , i started to think is this how life to us too when we are in a great need for something it never give it to us but when we don't need it any more it give it so us , this is really sounds so ridiculous or we are damned with our needs sometimes , i just don't know it is really a puzzling matter ....!!!

I think it is not only Yehia who really suffered from this dielmma all of us suffered and still suffer , but i love that the movie ends up with a very generous give from the sea to Yehia as if it wants to reward him for many things he goes through life and this mak me think when will be the time when life will be generous to us and reward us for our suffer or this only happens in the movie , well i don't love to think in this way as life is not only about suffering only and there must be a time to be rewarded for our hope that there is something good will come to us after all that time of suffering as that what our faith states .