Monday, 21 February 2011
We were sitting together , he suddenly turned to me and was about to tell me something but then he shut his mouth swallowing his words like a bitter syrup , then he turned again back to me with a look full of determination on his face and said : My dear I promise you i will never break your heart , i promise you with every single part of me i will never do this to you , then he fell down in silence as if he finally was able to throw this heavy burden from his shoulders , i looked back to him in his eyes looking at him with eyes mixed up with alot of emotions and with a ghost of a smile on my lips , i gave a sigh and then replied back : calm down my dear , don't be so harsh on yourself , it is ok for me because you can't break my heart just for one single reason , It is already BROKEN .
Monday, 7 February 2011
Throughout life we make a lot of memories, sometimes good other bad, they are just the raw material of our past we need them as they are a serious part of our identity. In most of times I get some flashbacks, I can't identify what brings those flashbacks to my mind it must be something irritate them in my memory so I restore them back, I get troubled, sweat, my heartbeats start to be fast, but I do my best to keep the balance in front of others that everything is going easy and just something pass by and there is no need to discuss it.
That day will always be engraved into my mind whatever I will do nothing will erase it, sometimes I wish I have an amnesia in order to forget about totally but then that will mean that I will lose a very precious part of me, to forget about the turning point in my life, it is the very critical moment when I kissed away my old identity and welcomed back my new one, my heart knows about it I was sure that is going to happen but I just tried to make some illusions that no everything will be ok nothing will change it is just some serious moments that we pass through but unfortunately that didn't happen, memories keep chasing me about it, I can’t escape from it, even sometimes just something bring it back to my mind I find myself shout so loudly saying " back off ".
It is so hard on me to talk about such close moments in my life, for others it was just moments happened but for me each moment was a single day, I got lost after it, I was wandering in streets staring at people aimlessly as if I am lost, tears were blinding me, shouting that it is impossible, I got so sensitive toward anything remind me about it, even the clothes I was wearing that day I swear I will not wear them again, I act as if everything is ok but it still not, his picture is chasing me, I keep on ignoring looking at it, but then as I just by coincidence looking at window I see his picture reflecting at it, I just ask myself how it would be if he still here, I know he feels me, knows about me, but I miss a lot about him, my old me is dead and gone after he past away, the problem about getting older that you can't deal with everything as easy it only become more complicated as you get older about everything : emotions, acceptance, feelings, sensations, thinking and a lot .it is not about that he is not here any more it is about the ability not to see him and a picture can not solve that for me, I miss his talk, jokes, proverbs, comments even when he get angry at me but the most I miss the sound of his voice, sometimes I wish that I have taped his voice just to listen to it when I miss him that much. You can save memories, pictures, videos but you can't ever save the voice, it still echoes but the voice itself keeps on escaping from your ears as water escapes from your fingers.
Whatever I will try to do I think some memories and flashbacks are meant to be kept in our minds not to torture us but to always remind us of how we grow through life and how our identities formed through time, may be they are a little bit have a bitter effect on us but their sweet taste will always be there to make us love their presence in our life.