سقط عمدا من الذاكره

عفوا لقد سقطت عمدا من الذاكره

أجل مع سبق الاصرار و الترصد

لا تلمني لقد حذرتك من قبل و لكنك لم تلق لي بالا

أحقا تريد الحديث عما مضي

لا فائده من ذلك الا تعلم ان الماضي لا يحدث ثانيةً

لقد اجدت دورك كمخرب الي اقسي الدرجات

دمرت تلك الصوره التي رسمتها لنا

لا ادري ما فعلت بإستهتارك و لكن كأنك قد أضرمت فيها النيران

تآكلت و ضاعت ملامحها تماما

لا تنعتني بقاسية القلب , فأنا فقط أردت ان أثبت لك

ان احيانا قد يتفوق التلميذ علي أستاذه

لم يكن ما بيننا حب بل فقط مشاعر تائهه في صحراء النفس

لقد اخذت اتذكر كل ما حدث بيننا

أتعلم , لم أشعر و لو بذرة حزن ان ذلك قد مضي و انتهي

لقد أزحت عن كاهلي الكثير

قد كنت أظنك اشجع من هذا و لكن عزيزي دعنا نكون صرحاء

أنت جبان

و انا ما حلمت قد بحياةٍ مع جبان

و لأكون اكثر صراحه الحياة سوف تكون أفضل بكثير

من دونك

Inspired by and dedicated to a close friend

....ماذا بعد

ماذا بعد سؤال يطرح نفسه بقوه علي الساحه , هل حقا بدأت الثوره ام ماذا , لماذا هذا الصمت الحكومي , هل هو نوع من الغباء السياسي المعهود ام ماذا و لماذا هذه الغطرسه الحكوميه , لماذا اصبح واقع الوطن العربي اسوأ من أسوأ الكوابيس التي قد تداهمنا اثناء النوم , فإذا استمعت لنشرات الاخبار و أغفلت الاسماء سيتضح لك انها تتكرر بشكل شبه منهجي في جميع اسقاع الوطن العربي فالمظاهرات اصبحت شبه سمه اساسيه في الشارع العربي و اذا دققت النظر في الهتافات التي يقولها المتظاهرين في إشتبكاتهم مع قوات الشرطه قد تخلط بينها و بين الاشتبكات التي تحدث بين الفلسطينين و قوات الاحتلال فهل اصبحا محتلين من قبل قواتنت المحليه و لماذا اصبح هذا هو الواقع الغالب علي الشعوب العربيه لماذا ننتظر سنين و نضيع من العمر وقت لا نستطيع استرداده في الخوف و الاختباء و النتيجه واحده و هي الثوره هل هو جين عربي لا نستطيع تفاديه و قد انكتب علينا الاستسلام و انيكون الخيار الاخير دائما هو الثوره و لماذا دائما نثور ضد الاوضاع عامة لماذا لا تكون فكرة الثوره فكره قائمه بحد ذاتها في مجتمعاتنا العربيه نثور ضد الظلم و الفساد و المحسوبيه في اعمالنا لا فقط ضد الحكومات السياسيه , 
 لماذا دائما نترك الامور هي  التي تحركنا و كأننا كعرائس الماريونيت لا تدب فينا الحياه الا  اذا قام احد بالإمساك بتلك العصا و بدأ يتمايل بها يمينا و يسارا لماذا فقدنا القدره في ان نحقق ما نريد و لماذا دائما الاحساس بقلة الحيله اهو نوع من انواع الهلاوس التي يتم زرعها في تفكيرنا منذ الصغر 
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

و بعد طول انتظار و بعد ان استشري الفساد بعد اكثر من خمس و عشرون عاما من الفساد ثورنا قمنا لتنفيذ ما نريد فهل هي حقا البدايه ام انها سحابه صيفيه اتت و ذهبت دون رجعه , قد يقارن البعض الوضع المصري بالوضع التونسي و هذه ن اكبر الاخطاء فكل بلد تختلف عن الاخري في كثير من الامور بل من ضمن الوقائع التي لا يمكن اغفالها هي ان الجيش كان في عون اشقائنا في تونس و لكن نحن ثورتنا شعبيه دون تأييد عسكري بعد , و لكن مما يلفت الانظار هو عند النظر في حلول اخري لا تجد فقد اجادت الحكومه في سد جميع الثغرات الاخري التي قد ينفد منها الشعب فلم يبقي غير ثوره بمطالب برحيل الحكومه و الرئيس و لكن لا تحمل حلول لما بعد ذلك فقد اجادوا ايضا في ان لا يتركوا لنا مرشحين اخرين قد نستطيع الاعتماد عليهم فجميع من نستطيع ان نراهم ينقصهم الكثير ولا يوجد بينهم من يستطيع قيادة دوله ذو ثقل مثل مصر

أخيرا و ليس بآخر سؤال يطرح ذاته بقوه ماذا تريد الجزيره , ماذا تريد من وراء تلك الوثائق التي افرجت عنها بما يتعلق بالمفوضات الفلسطينيه و الاسرائيليه , حقا ماذا يريدوا فهل الشعب الفلسطيني في حاجه الي مزيد من البلبله ولا تقنعني تلك المبادره في نشر الحقائق و توضيح الامور فلا يحضرني في ما تفعله الجزيره غير تلك المقوله الشهيره اللهم قني شر اصدقائي اما اعدائي فأنا كفيل بهم 
!!!!!

و يبقي السؤال يتكرر ماذا بعد .... ماذا بعد

فليحيا الوطن و لتسقط الديكتاتوريه و لتسقط قبل منها السلبيه و الضعف

 

Sadness

Paulo Coelho said once that "Anyone who has known happiness will never again be able humbly to accept sadness" this saying really stopped me a lot and start to think what he really want to say and are we really have ability to accept or refuse sadness or he wanted to say that to accept sadness as a life style or what really lies behind those words, but if we really capable of choosing to accept or refuse sadness then how it can be possible that we sometimes choose it over happiness are we that much of dumbness , aren't we ?

Through life we only learn that we can choose what to eat , wear , say and a lot but when it comes to feelings a fog just start to spread around our way of thinking , as happiness have a power on us so is sadness but the most complicated thing about sadness that it is much like a well that you whether pushed to fall into it or you just simply chooses it as a place to live in it and to accept all the shadows and curses that it's surrounded with , the matter of choosing can be practiced as long as we breath but some things we just accept the fact we can't change or choose to change some of those things is sadness but  whether if looks beautiful or ugly to us we must deal with it sooner or later , by love or by hatred , sadness will always prevail in some situations against our will as it has this revolutionary element that make it a necessary and may be it's existence is for us to appreciate happiness when it knocks on our doors ….!!!!!!!         

The Colors of Autumn

Colors of autumn are just like mediums, you can't find a so plain color in them, the leaves look a like yellow, red and brown , you find them every where giving the roads a very uncommon scene , you can't determine whether this scene is joyful or melancholic . Although the colors of the autumn are evidence that the leaves are dead but it is also an indication that they another leaves will be born again with their joyful greenish color.

Some people call autumn "fall" may be because the leaves fall from their home branches and starts to wander in the streets with the wind without any previous destination for them to know, they form a visual symphony that it is hard to ignore watching it, seeing them moving like waves of sea together as if they are saying that may be we have abandoned our branches but we will stick together forever, while watching them you don't know whether they are celebrating their freedom or if they are consoling each other for their unknown destiny , I don't know much about their stories or secrets but I always hold deep inside this mysterious feeling that I can't determine it's name or identity yet that the autumn and it's leaves with their significant colors always give me .

محكمه

ساعات الواحد بيحب يفضفض بكلمتين مع حد من خنقته يعني علي حسب و ساعات بيبقي عايز يتكلم عن حاله مع حد يثق فيه او يمكن يقوله علي حل للمشكله اللي هو فيها علي حسب الظروف بس المشكله اللي ساعات كتير بنقع فيها لما تييجي تتكلم مع حد و تلاقيه بدل ما يفهمك لأ يقعد بقي يئنب فيك و ينصبلك محكمه و يحاكمك و يبقي هو القاضي و المستشارين و النيابه و كمان العسكري المسئول عن حراسة المتهم حاجه كده تجيب إكتئاب زياده , طيب ليه في ناس دايما بتعمل كده ليه بنحاكم بعض مع ان مش من حق حد فينا انه يحاسب اللي حواليه مهما كان الغلط ممكن تقول نصيحه ممكن نعبر عن اعتراض عن اللي حصل او رد الفعل لكن نحاسب طيب ازاي اذا كلنا بتغلط و كلنا من وقت للتاني مبنحسبش الامور صح و ساعات بنتصرف بطريقه مفيهاش اي نوع من انواع التفكير , بتهيألي ده نوع من انواع الثقافه العامه يعني حاجه كده كل الناس بتعملها مش كلهم بالضبط يعني بس المعظم و المشكله ان الناس اللي بتعمل كده مبتفهمش قد ايه هي بتتسبب في حالة خانقه للي قدامها و في بعض الاحيان في بعض الناس مبتحسبهاش صح و بتبقي النتيجه ان رد الفعل بيبقي اسوا من الفعل اللي قبله .

في فيلم الكيت كات كان فيه مشهد عبقري قوي بيروح فيه الشيخ حسني للشيخ مجاهد و بيبقي عارف انه زعلان منه علشان رهن البيت فبيقعد يوضحله موقفه و انه لازم ميزعلش منه قد ايه الحوار كان عبقري و الفكره في حد ذاتها انه رجل كفيف بيشكي حاله لواحد تاني فارق الحياه يمكن ده حسسني انه ساعات احنا كمان بنحتاج حد يسمعنا بطريقة انصات عم مجاهد للشيخ حسني بس الفرق انه يكون عايش يفهمك يستوعب كل كلمه بتقولها و كل كلمه مقولتهاش و كل احساس ورا الكلام اللي احنا بنقوله و كأن ده طلب عسير لأنه واضح انه من النادر انك تلاقي انسان يفهمك بالشكل ده يسمعلك و يفهمك من غير ما يطلق عليك احكام مسبقه يعرف ان طبيعتك كبشر فيها جزء جميل و جزء قبيح ان فينا من الملايكه و فينا من الشياطين و انه طبيعي اننا ان زي ما بنعمل صح بنعمل غلط و زي ما فينا شئ من الذكاء فينا شئ ايضا من الغباء و اننا نحس ببعض زي ما الشيخ حسني حس ان عم مجاهد فارق الحياه بالرغم من انه كفيف بس الاحساس مالوش دعوة بالبصر و ان الاسوأ من فقدان البصر هو فقدان البصيره .

Secrets

We all have secrets; whether big, small, complicated, ordinary or whatever, some secrets are so hard on us and others not but as a human nature we always tend to keep secrets about ourselves or about others. What really control us about secrets that in most of times we think that what we know must only be known by only us no one else and no one will understand it if we tell them about it, the details of any secret is always sacred and can't be told to anyone but what if what we assumed to be secretive is not that way at all then that's mean we tend to exaggerate about the facts in our lives.

When we keep a secret we think that we are in control for what will cause problems to us or that we are directing our life to the way we want it to go to. The most thing that bother about secrets that when you get confronted with a situation that requires from you to speak out loud to others what you have been hiding all this time from them , you start to question , doubt and speculate about the others reactions , how they will accept it or deal with it and of course when the secret is about something that have caused you pain in the past you become more sensitive for it and don't know what to do , there is no a guiding menu for such situations all what you have to do is to go after your instincts and hope that it will guide rightly otherwise there will be some massive consequences for it and all what we have to do then is to know how to deal with it as grown up's secrets world is much complicated than children's secrets world , it is full of details touching us deeply , causing some significant changes in our life and more .

Some people believe that a secret is only so when it between two persons, other thinks the same with only small change about the identity of those two people that they are you and yourself. In most of times secrets are about something happened in the past or something gone but if it become known it will affect the present with a way or another, secrets are just like daggers that pointed to you heart, soul and sometimes to your dignity and when it comes to them we tend to be more cautious who we tell, what hints we give about them and how we will deal with them. Secrets world is a very ambigiues and gloomy place with a big sign written on it "ATTENTION" that makes adrenaline pumps so fast when you even think about stepping into its property.       

صندوق الدنيا

زمان كان فيه راجل بيدور بعربيه شكلها غريب جدا و كان بيسميها صندوق الدنيا كان بيبقي فيها زي فتحات كده الاطفال تقعد تبص منها علي شاشه او علي خلفيه يتعرض عليها قصه من قصص الاطفال القديمه سندريلا , الملاك النائم و كتير من القصص القديمه البريئه بتاعة زمان اما انا بقي صندوق الدنيا بتاعي مختلف تماما عن صندوق الدنيا بتاعة زمان هو مش صندوق هو في الحقيقه قزاز العربيه اللي قدام , ساعات و انا في مشوار بتصادف انه مفيش مكان اركن بما ان القاهره اصبحت و لا اغنية عدويه زحمه دي بقت حاجه اسوأ من الزحمه المهم طبعا بتضطر ان اقعد في العربيه و اللي معايا هو يروح يخلص اللي جايين علشانه طبعا بيبقي القعاد في العربيه ممتع و دقايق الانتظار بتبقي تقيله قوي تحس ان كل دقيقه ساعه بحالها طبعا مبيبقاش قدامي غير اني اقعد اتفرج علي اللي رايح و جاي و اتفرج من صندوق الدنيا

لاحظت حاجات غريبه قوي الناس بقة بتمشي في الشارع سلوكياتها بقة غريبه ده بيتريق علي ده و ده مشغول في الموبايل معندوش إستعداد انه يركز في اي حاجه تاني و ماشي عمال يخبط في ده شمال و يمين و واحد ماشي وهموم الدنيا كلها علي وشه و دي ماشيه بطريقه غريبه جدا طريه مستفزه و مش فاهمه ليه هي بتمشي كده و من وقت للتاني بتييجي عيني في عين اللي ماشيين ده غير بقي أجزاء المناقشات و الحوارات اللي ممكن احيانا تفهم منها المناقشه كلها عن ايه و ساعات يدفعني فضولي اني افكر ممكن يكونوا بيتكلموا عن ايه بس فعلا هو صندوق العجايب كمان مش الدنيا بس لأن يتمر عليا مواقف و احاديث غريبه بكل الاشكال ساعات بتحس ان اللي بيتكلم عنده وجهة نظر و ساعات تحس انه بيتكلم لمجرد الكلام نوع من انواع التعبير عن الذات اهه كله كلام و ياسلام بقي لو في حاجه مثلا خبر او مشكله عامله قلق في البلد بشمع شوية كلام يعني الحقيقه انه ساعات بيبقي معقول و ساعات بيبقي كلام في اللامعقوليزم مالوش اي معني اصلا بس تحت اي بند اللحظات دي ساعات بتفرق معايا لأني بقيت الاحظ ان الناس بقة تتصرف علي راحتها قوي في الشارع لدرجة اني بحس انهم اصلا مش شايقيني او شايفين اي حد تاني بس اللحظات دي بتضيفلي كتير وفي وجهة نظري للأمور و ساعات بتسيبني محتاره مش عارفه اقرر احس بأيه تجاه اللي انا شايفاه  

Yoga

It was my first time to experience such a kind of meditation, I thought it is a little bit about stretching and some calming positions but it turned to be more exhausting somehow not much but not as I thought, our leader was playing some soft weird music I think it is much like Indian music , we do some positions and finally after I felt so consumed by such kind of strong sport we came to the end of the class and we end it up by lying on our backs with straight legs and she turned off all the lights and said with so soft low voice that is so close to whisper " just relax , leave everything behind and relax , kick out the tension and try to feel deep calmness "  .

I lied down and try to do as she told us but my mind was as if so rebellious refuse to rest, it started to be crowded with ideas and thoughts and I was like a hunter chasing every single one of them to kick them out of my mind to just relax those so few moments and finally when I was about to win my battle against them they all vanished away as if I was left in deserted island as if I was only chasing a mirage and only one single face stuck into my mind with so much details and other guessing things , a lot of questions started to appear about it what happened and what will happen , what tomorrow will bring , what if it was not meant to be , but what if I was wrong , a lot of why's and what's just started to spread like a very lethal virus and I was trapped between more than an answer and some can satisfy me while others create more questions behind them and all of sudden as I was about to be swallowed by this whirlpool of questions and answers she just throw to me the robe that by which I will survive when she said " now open your eyes and start to get up so slowly  ".    

The Moment

To be honest I didn't experience such a moment yet in my life and don't know whether am going to experience it or not but this is not what matters for me now what always capture my mind is what kind of feelings haunt the mind of a woman in this time, does she really feel so eager about it or afraid from it, does she feel happiness and that finally what she was always hoping for to happen will come true, does she appreciate her faith more or she will be so afraid of what coming next for her , the moment she holds the pen to sign the contract this simple paper that will attach her as it supposed to be for life time to one man creating a whole life with new and specific rules about them and about their life what really means

 to her or is it just another moment that will pass and nothing remain from it .

Once upon a time I asked a friend what do you really felt in this moment and her answer was so puzzling she said " I felt it was my last chance to say no ", the society in which I was raised never deals with such moments in much more attention they just deal with it as a scientific fact and that is so weird for me , as such moments shape our life and draw a simple outline for the future days for us such moments means a lot and that is why they have specific celebrations for them , most women I have seen they looks so anxious but not from this moment but from the pressure behind the whole celebration itself , how she looks , how she acts , how she speaks and a lot but they neglect this they just come up about it's importance after life goes on and she started to think about what if she didn't sign this contract ..??!!!  

The Letters Of The Sea

It is an egyptian movie written and directed by a very talented director called Dawood abd el sayed , well am not here to make a critical essay about the movie am just trying to interpert somethings about it , The movie is about a young man named Yehia he supposed to be a doctor but he quit practicing his job as he always stammer when he talks and in most of times the only result he get is that most of his patients , nurses and other doctors with him just purst into laughter when he talks , after some personal reasons he decided to leave cairo and go to live in his family appartment alone in alexandria , he didn't find any propriate work to earn some extra money with it except to practice fishing and sell what he got from fishes into the market , most of the movie scenes was silent , his conversations with himself was full of emotions hidden one of course , althought the movie name is letters of the sea but during the film the only obvious letter was found by yehia in the sea preserved in a bottle he did his best until he get it out of the bottle but he was not able to translate it as it's language was so vague and he didn't know what was it about or even it's writter wanted what from writting it .

I think the writer was only trying to catch the attention of the spectator of the movie as the first thing came in my mind that he will find alot of bottles with new messages but that was not true , but at the end of the movie you came to know that it was really alot of messages from the sea but an abstract messages that can be felt and understanded but not to be read , you can read them only by mind not by eyes , they are not messages like those ordinary one . Once while he was in agreat need to fish some fishes to get money with them as he was starving and had no money the sea didn't give him any of his fishes so he was so angry and screamed out loud to the sea saying "  when i came to you and was not in need of any of your propety you gave me but when i came to you and in a great need of just some of it you didn't give me some of it " , i started to think is this how life to us too when we are in a great need for something it never give it to us but when we don't need it any more it give it so us , this is really sounds so ridiculous or we are damned with our needs sometimes , i just don't know it is really a puzzling matter ....!!!

I think it is not only Yehia who really suffered from this dielmma all of us suffered and still suffer , but i love that the movie ends up with a very generous give from the sea to Yehia as if it wants to reward him for many things he goes through life and this mak me think when will be the time when life will be generous to us and reward us for our suffer or this only happens in the movie , well i don't love to think in this way as life is not only about suffering only and there must be a time to be rewarded for our hope that there is something good will come to us after all that time of suffering as that what our faith states .