Before & After ....

He was standing alone thinking about how was his life used to be , the loneliness he felt for so much nights , his longings for a partner on his very own , someone to understand him , someone to hide himself inside her arms when life become so cruel , someone to talk to when everyone else is busy and have no time for him , someone that he will not be afraid to be himself infront of , to speak with her whatever comes up on his mind without trying to filter it , sometimes he felt like this special dream is forbidden that is why his prayers about it seems to be never recieve an answer . He has friends , relatives and many other people on his life but her only her this ambigues known woman to him was the one he was longing to find her , for him loneliness was not just to be alone by himself somewhere only but the worst loneliness was to be among people although he felt deep loneliness , sometimes he imagined some discussions that took place between them , how they exchange words with each other , how she looked towards him , how she responsed back when he starts to flirt with her , all those things he used to imagine and sometimes to laugh about or even smile , he knows those imaginations are only daydream thoughts but he couldn't hold himself back from having them from time to time just to console him in his waiting time for her appearence , sometimes life become so cruel to him to the limit he admits that she is only a fancy thought and she will never appear but then something appear in his life to assure she is a reality but she will only be a touched one when the peoper time come .

His bittersweet thoughts about her never stopped from coming back to him from time to time , it was bitter because it reminds him of his loneliness but sweet because it was about her ,  to be himself was a something that too hard as everyone tried to twist him to fit their vision but he knows that only she will be the one that will never do so , she will accept him as he is but furthermore that she will be proud of every single thing they used to attack him for . The worst thing that always made him get frusturated so deeply is when he meet a girl and he thought that she is the one then suddenly everything ends up in a very shocking way he can't understand why that happened , is it because he was in hurry to find his soulmate so he didn't notice that she was not the one or what happened it was so painful to him to get through all those frusturations as he didn't know whether it will be after alll deserve to go through all that , his thoughts was like a very raging ocean taking him from place to another reminding him of old scars , disappointments and misfortunes and as the ghost of his old sad memories going to haunt him suddenly her cozy , beautiful  and full of love voice called his name , he knew that she was searching for him , in his mind he was thinking " She , oh yes she my dream that suddenly appeared from no where , the dream that become a truth at once " , he didn't care to remember how they met each other or how things goes on in that way till she became his woman in front of god and infront of everyone else , all what matters she is the one of his very own , his shelter , his secrets keeper , his ..... as he was thinking what else she means to him he heard her voice again calling his name , he smiled with a very wide lips and answered her back  " Am here dear in the balconey come join me , the moon is full and i want to share this magnificent view with you " , after those words a very wierd thought came on his mind that how was before night for him was so gloomy and full of sadness to him and how now after she came into his life night become the most lovely time for him as he spend most of it with the love of his life .

Fear is " False Evidence Appearing Real" ( part one )

It was a very long day that is the only idea that keep on making so loud noise inside his head , everything seems that it happened so fast , he felt like that he is terribly exahusted to the limit he can't show his grief on his beloved wife , he still can hear people around him whispering words to each other saying " poor him what he will do now , she was his world , i didn't see a husband love his wife this way ... " and more but all words just was nothing compared to him and he can't handle people this time at all . His best friend asked him " if you really don't want to spend this night alone i can come spend it with you ? ", he replied : " no i will be ok , i prefer to spend this night alone i need that so much " , he felt as if a very heavy stone was on his heart was removed when it was declared that the funeral was over , he was so eager to leave the place , to run away from reality to escape all those words of consolation that he don't want to listen or even hear any single letter of them .

It was finally over he said to his friend that he is not totally in a mood to stand and listen to any talk anymore so he will leave and go to his home as all what he want to hear now is deep silence . As he entered his home he felt so lonely as if suddenly life stopped and night and day were over , he struggled to swallow his pain and sadness , he tried to do his best to prevent his tears from escapimg from his eyes and the worst he was in a severe fight against this killing pain in his heart , the pain of knowing he will not hear her voice again , the pain that he will not hug her tightly with his arms again , the pain that he will not even argue with her again . The whole idea about losing her in that way was killing every single cell inside him , the most thing that really hurt him so much deep inside is that the fear of losing her become so living truth that he don't know how to deal with .

He started to feel that he can't handle the feeling of losing any one anymore , so he started to be more alone to spend many days and nights alone , even his close friends he stopped to hang out with telling them fake excuses about not going out with , all his life was just to go to work and go back home , spending most of his time reading her diary or watching their photos together , for him life was over just few days until he will follow her to heaven . That night when he fell sleep he dreamed of her , she was so beautiful so alive to him , she gave to him a paper written in it two words that he don't know what they really mean or even written in which language , she said to him : " keep this paper with you and try to do your best to understand what is inside it " and as soon as he moved his hand towards her to touch her beautiful face he woke up due to his clock alarm sound , he was covered by sweat and his heart beats were so fast  , he sat on his bed taking his breath trying to calm himself as much as he can , he then went to the bathroom standing infront  of the mirror washing his face with water , he looked at his eyes so deep in the mirror remembering each detail in the dream and suddenly he remembered the words that was written in the paper his wife's spirit gave to him so he hurried up to his desk and grapped a pen and wrote down those two words " Aetatis Progressu " ..... to be continued.

The Wish ...

Our life is mainly about wishes and dreams that we always hope one day we will achive them and make them a living truth , but it is not always our wishes or dreams come true not for anything but because they are too fancy. For her it was so long day full of arguments and conversations , her mind was so busy full of many thoughts , ideas and many things she got to do . The moment she get herself inside her car after all this long day at work she sat for a while enjoying this calm silence around her , then she turned her car on to drive back home , the way back was not quite smooth , she wishes if the way only be more easy than that while that she was straying outside her car's window thinking about him , she thought about how things were so beautiful , the warm cozy feelings inside their home together , the laughter and love that always was between them , while her hand was on the wheel she touched her wedding ring with her thump rubbing it so softly , watching the hazy reflection of her in it and a ghost of a smile appeared at the corner of her lips when she remembered when he put this ring in her hand promising her to be always there for her . She thought that she didn't know whether being busy that much at work was a blessing or not as may be it exhausts her mind but at the same time it keeps her mind busy from thinking about him , busy from remembering how fate didn't give them more long time to be together , she entered her home and felt as if a cold breeze touched her skin and she felt a shiver down her spine  , she sat down on the couch trying to make things be more easy on her , as she raised her head up she found his picture infront of her , he was looking so charming with his twinkling eyes and beautiful smile , she felt as if he was looking straight in her eyes , she grapped the picture and slept on her side on the couch and gave it a kiss and kept looking at it moving her little finger on his small face in the picture , she missed being in his arms to lean her head on his chest and to listen to the profound sound of his heart beats that sound that always make her felt so deep tranquil inside , she wished if only he can come back for a moment to hide her little body inside his hands to feel his warmth again , to smell his beautiful remarkable smell once again and to hear the soothing sound of his heart beats but no use he was not there anymore and as she reached this point her warm tears betrayed her eyes and started to flow .

And i hate the phone but i wish you would call ....

At that night , he felt as if this world was empty , empty of people , empty of feelings , empty of stars , moon , clouds . Everything just look so gloomy for him , he didn't imagine that one day she will say those words that never look like they are made of letters but they are made of daggers to him , " It is over , there is no more us " that how she ended what was between them , on his way back home he started to remember every single moment they share with the echo of her last words with them . Finally he reached his home , he didn't know how that happened but just interpret it as if his legs has an independent mind that took him there , he entered throwing away his keys , ignore to switch the light on and went staright to his bedroom . He sat down at the end of his bed in darkness thinking about what happened , placing his phone beside him , he was just trying to figure out what was going on through the whole last days of them together , he knew that he had did some mistakes so she too but he was sure there wasn't anything deserve to give up about their relationship , he also was sure about the fact that he will get over it with a way or another but " how " that was the thing he was not so sure about if he knows it or not . Suddenly he remembered his phone that was beside him , he remembered that at this time he was supposed to be talking to her on it as she used to check if he reached his home safely  , he looked at the phone so long as if he was saying a secret prayer inside himself asking if she only call , just to call even just to say hello but no use , at this moment he sank into this unbearable silence around him , he felt as if even the air around him suddenly gained some weight and placed all of it on him , he became so sure that he really hate his phone and hate it's stupid silence so much but at the same moment he was wishing deep down inside his heart if she would call .... just call .

The Reflection

It was a very long exhausting day for her , finally she finished it and everything passed away , she was so confused alot of ideas just goes around and around as if they compete in a very long race , she goes to the station waiting for the train , the same thoughts and flashbacks still racing inside her head , she just was praying and sometimes begging them to stop to just leave her rest for a while to announce peace with her but no use , finally the train arrived and she jumped into it , as she started to search for an empty seat to only drop her exhausted body on it , as she sat down she leaned her head against the window contemplating how things looks like moving so fast as the train moves on she find it so sarcastic how things outside looking as if they are moving fast while in fact it was the train that was moving  , she felt like that life is like the train moving so fast passing her and many other things and people and they just stand watching it passing by them , as the train arrived to her destination she was prepearing herself to leave it and go off the train , at this very moment when she was about to leave her eyes met their reflection  on the glass window of the train she was petrified she was not able to move her leg any step furthur any more what she saw inside her eyes  at this moment was more than she can able to handle , she saw a very deep grief and pain that she was doing her best to hide it from any one around her very obvious in her eyes as significant bold sun rising above clouds .

Very Short Conversation ...

We were sitting together , he suddenly turned to me and was about to tell me something but then he shut his mouth swallowing his words like a bitter syrup , then he turned again back to me with a look full of determination on his face and said : My dear I promise you i will never break your heart , i promise you with every single part of me i will never do this to you , then he fell down in silence as if he finally was able to throw this heavy burden from his shoulders , i looked back to him in his eyes looking at him with eyes mixed up with alot of emotions and with a ghost of a smile on my lips , i gave a sigh and then replied back : calm down my dear , don't be so harsh on yourself , it is ok for me because you can't break my heart just for one single reason , It is already BROKEN .

Flashback

Throughout life we make a lot of memories, sometimes good other bad, they are just the raw material of our past we need them as they are a serious part of our identity. In most of times I get some flashbacks, I can't identify what brings those flashbacks to my mind it must be something irritate them in my memory so I restore them back, I get troubled, sweat, my heartbeats start to be fast, but I do my best to keep the balance in front of others that everything is going easy and just something pass by and there is no need to discuss it.

That day will always be engraved into my mind whatever I will do nothing will erase it, sometimes I wish I have an amnesia in order to forget about totally but then that will mean that I will lose a very precious part of me, to forget about the turning point in my life, it is the very critical moment when I kissed away my old identity and welcomed back my new one, my heart knows about it I was sure that is going to happen but I just tried to make some illusions that no everything will be ok nothing will change it is just some serious moments that we pass through but unfortunately that didn't happen, memories keep chasing me about it, I can’t escape from it, even sometimes just something bring it back to my mind I find myself shout so loudly saying " back off ".

It is so hard on me to talk about such close moments in my life, for others it was just moments happened but for me each moment was a single day, I got lost after it, I was wandering in streets staring at people aimlessly as if I am lost, tears were blinding me, shouting that it is impossible, I got so sensitive toward anything remind me about it, even the clothes I was wearing that day I swear I will not wear them again, I act as if everything is ok but it still not, his picture is chasing me, I keep on ignoring looking at it, but then as I just by coincidence looking at window I see his picture reflecting at it, I just ask myself how it would be if he still  here, I know he feels me, knows about me, but I miss a lot about him, my old me is dead and gone after he past away, the problem about getting older that you can't deal with everything as easy it only become more complicated as you get older about everything : emotions, acceptance, feelings, sensations, thinking and a lot .it is not about that he is not here any more it is about the ability not to see him and a picture can not solve that for me, I miss his talk, jokes, proverbs, comments even when he get angry at me but the most I miss the sound of his voice, sometimes I wish that I have taped his voice just to listen to it when I miss him that much. You can save memories, pictures, videos but you can't ever save the voice, it still echoes but the voice itself keeps on escaping from your ears as water escapes from your fingers.

Whatever I will try to do I think some memories and flashbacks are meant to be kept in our minds not to torture us but to always remind us of how we grow through life and how our identities formed through time, may be they are a little bit have a bitter effect on us but their sweet taste will always be there to make us love their presence in our life.