The Reflection

It was a very long exhausting day for her , finally she finished it and everything passed away , she was so confused alot of ideas just goes around and around as if they compete in a very long race , she goes to the station waiting for the train , the same thoughts and flashbacks still racing inside her head , she just was praying and sometimes begging them to stop to just leave her rest for a while to announce peace with her but no use , finally the train arrived and she jumped into it , as she started to search for an empty seat to only drop her exhausted body on it , as she sat down she leaned her head against the window contemplating how things looks like moving so fast as the train moves on she find it so sarcastic how things outside looking as if they are moving fast while in fact it was the train that was moving  , she felt like that life is like the train moving so fast passing her and many other things and people and they just stand watching it passing by them , as the train arrived to her destination she was prepearing herself to leave it and go off the train , at this very moment when she was about to leave her eyes met their reflection  on the glass window of the train she was petrified she was not able to move her leg any step furthur any more what she saw inside her eyes  at this moment was more than she can able to handle , she saw a very deep grief and pain that she was doing her best to hide it from any one around her very obvious in her eyes as significant bold sun rising above clouds .

Very Short Conversation ...

We were sitting together , he suddenly turned to me and was about to tell me something but then he shut his mouth swallowing his words like a bitter syrup , then he turned again back to me with a look full of determination on his face and said : My dear I promise you i will never break your heart , i promise you with every single part of me i will never do this to you , then he fell down in silence as if he finally was able to throw this heavy burden from his shoulders , i looked back to him in his eyes looking at him with eyes mixed up with alot of emotions and with a ghost of a smile on my lips , i gave a sigh and then replied back : calm down my dear , don't be so harsh on yourself , it is ok for me because you can't break my heart just for one single reason , It is already BROKEN .

Flashback

Throughout life we make a lot of memories, sometimes good other bad, they are just the raw material of our past we need them as they are a serious part of our identity. In most of times I get some flashbacks, I can't identify what brings those flashbacks to my mind it must be something irritate them in my memory so I restore them back, I get troubled, sweat, my heartbeats start to be fast, but I do my best to keep the balance in front of others that everything is going easy and just something pass by and there is no need to discuss it.

That day will always be engraved into my mind whatever I will do nothing will erase it, sometimes I wish I have an amnesia in order to forget about totally but then that will mean that I will lose a very precious part of me, to forget about the turning point in my life, it is the very critical moment when I kissed away my old identity and welcomed back my new one, my heart knows about it I was sure that is going to happen but I just tried to make some illusions that no everything will be ok nothing will change it is just some serious moments that we pass through but unfortunately that didn't happen, memories keep chasing me about it, I can’t escape from it, even sometimes just something bring it back to my mind I find myself shout so loudly saying " back off ".

It is so hard on me to talk about such close moments in my life, for others it was just moments happened but for me each moment was a single day, I got lost after it, I was wandering in streets staring at people aimlessly as if I am lost, tears were blinding me, shouting that it is impossible, I got so sensitive toward anything remind me about it, even the clothes I was wearing that day I swear I will not wear them again, I act as if everything is ok but it still not, his picture is chasing me, I keep on ignoring looking at it, but then as I just by coincidence looking at window I see his picture reflecting at it, I just ask myself how it would be if he still  here, I know he feels me, knows about me, but I miss a lot about him, my old me is dead and gone after he past away, the problem about getting older that you can't deal with everything as easy it only become more complicated as you get older about everything : emotions, acceptance, feelings, sensations, thinking and a lot .it is not about that he is not here any more it is about the ability not to see him and a picture can not solve that for me, I miss his talk, jokes, proverbs, comments even when he get angry at me but the most I miss the sound of his voice, sometimes I wish that I have taped his voice just to listen to it when I miss him that much. You can save memories, pictures, videos but you can't ever save the voice, it still echoes but the voice itself keeps on escaping from your ears as water escapes from your fingers.

Whatever I will try to do I think some memories and flashbacks are meant to be kept in our minds not to torture us but to always remind us of how we grow through life and how our identities formed through time, may be they are a little bit have a bitter effect on us but their sweet taste will always be there to make us love their presence in our life.            

سقط عمدا من الذاكره

عفوا لقد سقطت عمدا من الذاكره

أجل مع سبق الاصرار و الترصد

لا تلمني لقد حذرتك من قبل و لكنك لم تلق لي بالا

أحقا تريد الحديث عما مضي

لا فائده من ذلك الا تعلم ان الماضي لا يحدث ثانيةً

لقد اجدت دورك كمخرب الي اقسي الدرجات

دمرت تلك الصوره التي رسمتها لنا

لا ادري ما فعلت بإستهتارك و لكن كأنك قد أضرمت فيها النيران

تآكلت و ضاعت ملامحها تماما

لا تنعتني بقاسية القلب , فأنا فقط أردت ان أثبت لك

ان احيانا قد يتفوق التلميذ علي أستاذه

لم يكن ما بيننا حب بل فقط مشاعر تائهه في صحراء النفس

لقد اخذت اتذكر كل ما حدث بيننا

أتعلم , لم أشعر و لو بذرة حزن ان ذلك قد مضي و انتهي

لقد أزحت عن كاهلي الكثير

قد كنت أظنك اشجع من هذا و لكن عزيزي دعنا نكون صرحاء

أنت جبان

و انا ما حلمت قد بحياةٍ مع جبان

و لأكون اكثر صراحه الحياة سوف تكون أفضل بكثير

من دونك

Inspired by and dedicated to a close friend

....ماذا بعد

ماذا بعد سؤال يطرح نفسه بقوه علي الساحه , هل حقا بدأت الثوره ام ماذا , لماذا هذا الصمت الحكومي , هل هو نوع من الغباء السياسي المعهود ام ماذا و لماذا هذه الغطرسه الحكوميه , لماذا اصبح واقع الوطن العربي اسوأ من أسوأ الكوابيس التي قد تداهمنا اثناء النوم , فإذا استمعت لنشرات الاخبار و أغفلت الاسماء سيتضح لك انها تتكرر بشكل شبه منهجي في جميع اسقاع الوطن العربي فالمظاهرات اصبحت شبه سمه اساسيه في الشارع العربي و اذا دققت النظر في الهتافات التي يقولها المتظاهرين في إشتبكاتهم مع قوات الشرطه قد تخلط بينها و بين الاشتبكات التي تحدث بين الفلسطينين و قوات الاحتلال فهل اصبحا محتلين من قبل قواتنت المحليه و لماذا اصبح هذا هو الواقع الغالب علي الشعوب العربيه لماذا ننتظر سنين و نضيع من العمر وقت لا نستطيع استرداده في الخوف و الاختباء و النتيجه واحده و هي الثوره هل هو جين عربي لا نستطيع تفاديه و قد انكتب علينا الاستسلام و انيكون الخيار الاخير دائما هو الثوره و لماذا دائما نثور ضد الاوضاع عامة لماذا لا تكون فكرة الثوره فكره قائمه بحد ذاتها في مجتمعاتنا العربيه نثور ضد الظلم و الفساد و المحسوبيه في اعمالنا لا فقط ضد الحكومات السياسيه , 
 لماذا دائما نترك الامور هي  التي تحركنا و كأننا كعرائس الماريونيت لا تدب فينا الحياه الا  اذا قام احد بالإمساك بتلك العصا و بدأ يتمايل بها يمينا و يسارا لماذا فقدنا القدره في ان نحقق ما نريد و لماذا دائما الاحساس بقلة الحيله اهو نوع من انواع الهلاوس التي يتم زرعها في تفكيرنا منذ الصغر 
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و بعد طول انتظار و بعد ان استشري الفساد بعد اكثر من خمس و عشرون عاما من الفساد ثورنا قمنا لتنفيذ ما نريد فهل هي حقا البدايه ام انها سحابه صيفيه اتت و ذهبت دون رجعه , قد يقارن البعض الوضع المصري بالوضع التونسي و هذه ن اكبر الاخطاء فكل بلد تختلف عن الاخري في كثير من الامور بل من ضمن الوقائع التي لا يمكن اغفالها هي ان الجيش كان في عون اشقائنا في تونس و لكن نحن ثورتنا شعبيه دون تأييد عسكري بعد , و لكن مما يلفت الانظار هو عند النظر في حلول اخري لا تجد فقد اجادت الحكومه في سد جميع الثغرات الاخري التي قد ينفد منها الشعب فلم يبقي غير ثوره بمطالب برحيل الحكومه و الرئيس و لكن لا تحمل حلول لما بعد ذلك فقد اجادوا ايضا في ان لا يتركوا لنا مرشحين اخرين قد نستطيع الاعتماد عليهم فجميع من نستطيع ان نراهم ينقصهم الكثير ولا يوجد بينهم من يستطيع قيادة دوله ذو ثقل مثل مصر

أخيرا و ليس بآخر سؤال يطرح ذاته بقوه ماذا تريد الجزيره , ماذا تريد من وراء تلك الوثائق التي افرجت عنها بما يتعلق بالمفوضات الفلسطينيه و الاسرائيليه , حقا ماذا يريدوا فهل الشعب الفلسطيني في حاجه الي مزيد من البلبله ولا تقنعني تلك المبادره في نشر الحقائق و توضيح الامور فلا يحضرني في ما تفعله الجزيره غير تلك المقوله الشهيره اللهم قني شر اصدقائي اما اعدائي فأنا كفيل بهم 
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و يبقي السؤال يتكرر ماذا بعد .... ماذا بعد

فليحيا الوطن و لتسقط الديكتاتوريه و لتسقط قبل منها السلبيه و الضعف

 

Sadness

Paulo Coelho said once that "Anyone who has known happiness will never again be able humbly to accept sadness" this saying really stopped me a lot and start to think what he really want to say and are we really have ability to accept or refuse sadness or he wanted to say that to accept sadness as a life style or what really lies behind those words, but if we really capable of choosing to accept or refuse sadness then how it can be possible that we sometimes choose it over happiness are we that much of dumbness , aren't we ?

Through life we only learn that we can choose what to eat , wear , say and a lot but when it comes to feelings a fog just start to spread around our way of thinking , as happiness have a power on us so is sadness but the most complicated thing about sadness that it is much like a well that you whether pushed to fall into it or you just simply chooses it as a place to live in it and to accept all the shadows and curses that it's surrounded with , the matter of choosing can be practiced as long as we breath but some things we just accept the fact we can't change or choose to change some of those things is sadness but  whether if looks beautiful or ugly to us we must deal with it sooner or later , by love or by hatred , sadness will always prevail in some situations against our will as it has this revolutionary element that make it a necessary and may be it's existence is for us to appreciate happiness when it knocks on our doors ….!!!!!!!         

The Colors of Autumn

Colors of autumn are just like mediums, you can't find a so plain color in them, the leaves look a like yellow, red and brown , you find them every where giving the roads a very uncommon scene , you can't determine whether this scene is joyful or melancholic . Although the colors of the autumn are evidence that the leaves are dead but it is also an indication that they another leaves will be born again with their joyful greenish color.

Some people call autumn "fall" may be because the leaves fall from their home branches and starts to wander in the streets with the wind without any previous destination for them to know, they form a visual symphony that it is hard to ignore watching it, seeing them moving like waves of sea together as if they are saying that may be we have abandoned our branches but we will stick together forever, while watching them you don't know whether they are celebrating their freedom or if they are consoling each other for their unknown destiny , I don't know much about their stories or secrets but I always hold deep inside this mysterious feeling that I can't determine it's name or identity yet that the autumn and it's leaves with their significant colors always give me .