What was that ....!!!!!!!!

It is so hard to take out all those ideas, thoughts, feelings, emotions and whatever cross you deep inside. It is like going naked in front of the world and let them see every single detail about you. But in other times you feel like you are a ticking bomb and the countdown inside you starts to go louder and faster  and you must get out all of those things outside you otherwise you will blow up or you will collapse so you are in need to do this, everything around you urges you to say it, or to be specific to scream it out loud .

Sometimes when something serious happens in your life, a massive amount of questions just pop up in your head, they attack you like very hungry Piranha and you are the poor bustard who is waving his hands shouting out loud begging for help but no use, but I think this kind of  piranha is more sadistic than the actual one as it eats you inside out and you can't stop them . Some of those sadistic piranha are like why this happened, how this happened, is this all my fault and a lot and lot, I really can't count them all here and I will be more specific if I say there is no use from counting or mentioning them one by one as we all as humans whatever our colour, race, religion or nationality or whatever knows how it feels and how it eats you so slow .

But what really kills more slowly is what will be next, have I to move on or hanging out there waiting for a miracle or may be I got to move on carrying inside a little hope of hanging on a miracle to happen and suddenly among all those thoughts you suddenly feel dizzy and if it so serious you will feel like you want to throw up and all what you want to really do is to burn down this freakin' circle of questions, thoughts and suggestions and to never try to think again about it .... And sometimes we succeed in doing this but in other we can't we just stuck there with only one question insisting to make us find it's answer with no guarantee that we will find an answer for it ... this question is   " what was that ? " ....!!!!!!

Sensations

During our whole life we are searching for answers, answers most about life and ourselves in most, we don't know how we suppose to live, to live through our sensations or reason, we have a lot of things that attache us to this world, we have eyes, lips, ears, mind and a heart, in most of times our eyes, lips and ears and even the mind got confused, and we barely survive with the heart if it doesn't either got lost in the whole process.

Our Heart that poor bastard that got to deal with confusion of the other senses we got, he is disturbed by the eyes and everything that caught them, got puzzled by every word that reaches it through ears, got frustrated by the unspoken words, and finally got depressed by reason or in other name by the mind.

I think it doesn't matter if we lost the eye sight or can not hear or speak or listen to all this nonsense around us or even lost our mind, most of those loss we can handle them but we will never handle to lose a heart, it is like the wood that we are stick to while we are  carried by the wild river of life, and that is why we feel like an outcast or cursed when we got stabbed into it, we simply can jeopardise  anything for just one moment of relief and happiness to our poor heart.

So few who know the fact that life can not be lived without a heart, a heart that capable of feel and understand everything around us, a heart that can see other souls understand their misery instead of judging them, see true beauty that lies inside others around us instead of searching for flaws .

A human being can not be a human without a heart, and when i say a heart i don't mean just an organ that pumps blood into our veins the heart hold much more in it's meaning than can be said as words stands helpless in front of defining it, a true heart can be much more anyone can imagine, and a true heart to  become true and carry those meanings got to go through storms and be broken and tested thousand of times to prove it is a true one, and unfortunately so few hearts can survive this massacre they simply got stuck into swamp of the bad side of life. 

The Paintaing

He sat down there holding his brush, all what was on his mind is her face nothinge else, on the white surface of the painting he started to paint her face with her beautiful twinkling eyes, all what he can paint was only her face with every single detail in it except her lips , he was not able at all to draw it, he called this paintaing " Silence " and when everyone ask him what is the reason he had drawn her with no lips and why he chose the name of it to be silence he answered back that he prefer not to tell anybody even his close friend didn't know why, but there inside himself was the answer that he can't told to anyone, how he can tell them that he had done that on purpose, the truth was so simple but people will never accpet it or will ridicule him, the reality was that he had never talked to her at all, she was that simple and quiet girl living next door, he still remember the day when they met each other for the first time, that he was back home holding some of the paint stuff he uses in his work and the elevator was about to close but he jumped quickly and put his hand to prevent it's door from closing and in this hand was one of the buckets of colors and when the door hit his hand it slipped away and fell inside the elevator and sprinkle all it's content inside it and as the doors opened up againg he found her inside the elevator covered with the red paintaing that he was holding, he was totally embarresd and run out of words as nothing can be said in such a situation and was ready to accept every single word she will call him with, but he was totally shocked to see her laughing out loud, he stared at her as if he was enchanted by her sweet laugh and for a while her kept staring at her then her purset into laughter with her too, they exchanged their names and he knew from her that she is his neighbour since a while but they never met each other, and since that time he felt strnage feelings when he meets her wherever he goes.

After a while he was sure that he is so in love with her, but he didn't has the gut to tell her what was his feelings towards her, they just exchange few hellos and anything he wanted to say he say it with his eyes nothing more nothing less, that is why he draw her face without her lips as all their talk was only by  eyes.

It was that day when he felt so sick and didn't go to the gallery and when he called to know about any paintaing was sold out, and they told him that his beloved paintaing was sold " Silence " he was so shocked and asked who had baught it but the answer was so disappointing to him as his assisstant told him that the buyer preferred to be anonymous, from that time he felt so lonely as her paintaing means alot ot him he even sometimes talked to it, revealing all what is hidden there between rips to it, and all what he wanted that to know who baught it but no use, then one day as he was sitting doing some of his work, the bell of his door rang and he went to open the door but noone was there just only a package wrapped in a brown paper, he stepped out his door to see if anybody was there but he found nothing so he took the package inside, he sat down and hold it wondering about what is there inside it, then he finally took a decision to open it, he ripped out the brown paper aorund it to be surprised that he found his paintaing "Silence"  inside it but with something new added to it which was her lips he felt so confused and anger, why did the buyer give it back to him and why did he mess out with his paintaings but the answer was quickly when he looked at the back of the painting to find a paper written in it her name with her number .

The Broken Toy

She was sitting there in her balcony drinking her coffee, it was one of those early monings in winter and although she was enjoying her coffee so much in such freezing atmosphere but her mind was there reviewing her past again, she knows it is so stupid to let her past control her present and it is more foolish to let it control her future but she was just thinking she can't hold herself back from doing that, she remembered how she met him the only man she believed is the one, the memories they shared together,  how she felt him to the bone, how she understood his unspoken words before the uttered one, his silence before his words, how everything goes smoothly with him but deep down inside her heart a small whisper about how that will end up so soon so awfully and how she always know that this unknown voice was rarely to say false things. Eventually what she felt was coming happened he suddenly left her with no words, no excuses or even a gesture. It was so awful to go again through this phase for her, her mind was so crowded by thoughts and assumptions, she thought may be she neglected him , or may be she was not perfect , or may be she was so easy going , or may be she didn't expect good but always listen to this mysterious voice within her telling her that only bad things will happen and as they say you get what you only expect, it was like earthly hell for her but she knew deep down in her heart that it is only a phase she was going through it ad of course she had learned the lesson so good and she knew so well that she will never love again like this time, not because of many things that passed in her mind but she was sure that something was broken inside her and can not be mended again by any other way and will never be and no one has a cure for it, she just knew that she had lost her faith in such kind of love and she will never feel butterflies again , her  heart became just like a deserted island ad there is a tree in it to provide some shadow for passing by passengers .

Her thoughts take her along her long journey until she reached the memory of that other man who crossed her life, she enjoyed his accompany so much, he was so funny one with a very attractive sense of humor , she loved his sarcasm and how sometimes when he talk with her she can feel that he is weaving a very warm hands that hug her so tightly and make her find a little place to rest in it, but she also knows that what between him and her is like a beautiful toy that they pass it for each other, enjoyig seeing it flip and goes around and every toy has an end just like any other thing in our world, but the end came so soon more than was expecting, the end came when he strated to take what between him and her as a true and actual thing, she just find herself escapig from him, making excuses to cancel their meetings, she is sure that this time will end like others for many reasons and what attract them together is only appearences but reality is too awful, but he was struggling to have her back to make what is between them as a reality but all his effort was invain she insisted on her thoughts , as she was going through all those ideas her phone was ringing intrupting her and bring her back to present, the call was from him, she hesitated whether to answer or not, her hands were trembling so badly, she answered : Hello , and from the other side his so disappointed vioce came saying : Hello , she was so quiet so he took the lead saying : so have you made your mind about us or what, i hope you have think about my last words to you, she was so quiet but she decided to be frank with him and answered back : " Yes, i have made up my mind since a while, what was between us was just like a toy, that we loved and enjoyed so much passing it to each other watching her with so eager eyes to see it making more pleasent moves but now this toy is broken and even if we tried again to mend it and make it work again , it will just look so pathetic and awful ".

Her Eyes

He was sitting there is his bedroom all by himself , thinking about many past things in his life . He felt so sad for what had happened between him and her , their relationship really didn't deserve to end up like this , he started to call back each moment they shared together , their laughs , their words even their arguments . He felt like that the clock is stuck on thoughts of him and her , suddenly he felt he miss her so much , miss being with her , miss sharing everything with her , she was another world for him a world where he can be himself without pretending , a world where everything is so sweet and pure and since they left each other he was not able to be himself anymore . He suddenly remembered those photos of her he was keeping them on his computer , so he opened it and started to search for the photos with so much anxiety that he would not find them , but as he was about to give up he found the folder where he kept all her photos . He opened the folder searching for a specific picture for her , as this picture he had took it for her in a day when they were walking together along the shore , in that day she was so happy and her eyes were twinkling for him as stars shining in the sky in a very clear night so he grapped his camera and took that picture for her . As soon as he found the picture he opened it and started to zoom on her eyes , he kept on zooming on it as he made her eyes taking the whole space on his screen , he kept in staring inside her beautiful eyes feeling like he became hynotized , he felt as if he was able to reach her to see her amazing soul throughout her eyes , he felt that she is really the one and he can't let her go and may be they have misunderstood each other but they love each other , he was so sure of that as he remembered that tears were like a flood the night they decided they can't be together anymore . He felt deep sadness for being away from her and felt like world will be like hell without her , so he decided that he will try just for one last time may be it will works . He grapped his phone texting her a message of only three words " I miss you " and started to think whether to send it or just give up and cancel the whole thing , moments were like years for him and he was not sure of what to do but at last he made up his mind and pushed the send button . He waited for couple of hourse waiting for the answer but nothing came back so he decided he will go to sleep and never think about it anymore , he convinced himself it was worthy to try but everything has an end and it seems to be that this was the end of their relationship . As he was about to sleep his phone made this sweet tone of recieving a message , he opened it with so much hurry and he found it from her , she replied with only two words " Me too " .

Before & After ....

He was standing alone thinking about how was his life used to be , the loneliness he felt for so much nights , his longings for a partner on his very own , someone to understand him , someone to hide himself inside her arms when life become so cruel , someone to talk to when everyone else is busy and have no time for him , someone that he will not be afraid to be himself infront of , to speak with her whatever comes up on his mind without trying to filter it , sometimes he felt like this special dream is forbidden that is why his prayers about it seems to be never recieve an answer . He has friends , relatives and many other people on his life but her only her this ambigues known woman to him was the one he was longing to find her , for him loneliness was not just to be alone by himself somewhere only but the worst loneliness was to be among people although he felt deep loneliness , sometimes he imagined some discussions that took place between them , how they exchange words with each other , how she looked towards him , how she responsed back when he starts to flirt with her , all those things he used to imagine and sometimes to laugh about or even smile , he knows those imaginations are only daydream thoughts but he couldn't hold himself back from having them from time to time just to console him in his waiting time for her appearence , sometimes life become so cruel to him to the limit he admits that she is only a fancy thought and she will never appear but then something appear in his life to assure she is a reality but she will only be a touched one when the peoper time come .

His bittersweet thoughts about her never stopped from coming back to him from time to time , it was bitter because it reminds him of his loneliness but sweet because it was about her ,  to be himself was a something that too hard as everyone tried to twist him to fit their vision but he knows that only she will be the one that will never do so , she will accept him as he is but furthermore that she will be proud of every single thing they used to attack him for . The worst thing that always made him get frusturated so deeply is when he meet a girl and he thought that she is the one then suddenly everything ends up in a very shocking way he can't understand why that happened , is it because he was in hurry to find his soulmate so he didn't notice that she was not the one or what happened it was so painful to him to get through all those frusturations as he didn't know whether it will be after alll deserve to go through all that , his thoughts was like a very raging ocean taking him from place to another reminding him of old scars , disappointments and misfortunes and as the ghost of his old sad memories going to haunt him suddenly her cozy , beautiful  and full of love voice called his name , he knew that she was searching for him , in his mind he was thinking " She , oh yes she my dream that suddenly appeared from no where , the dream that become a truth at once " , he didn't care to remember how they met each other or how things goes on in that way till she became his woman in front of god and infront of everyone else , all what matters she is the one of his very own , his shelter , his secrets keeper , his ..... as he was thinking what else she means to him he heard her voice again calling his name , he smiled with a very wide lips and answered her back  " Am here dear in the balconey come join me , the moon is full and i want to share this magnificent view with you " , after those words a very wierd thought came on his mind that how was before night for him was so gloomy and full of sadness to him and how now after she came into his life night become the most lovely time for him as he spend most of it with the love of his life .

Fear is " False Evidence Appearing Real" ( part one )

It was a very long day that is the only idea that keep on making so loud noise inside his head , everything seems that it happened so fast , he felt like that he is terribly exahusted to the limit he can't show his grief on his beloved wife , he still can hear people around him whispering words to each other saying " poor him what he will do now , she was his world , i didn't see a husband love his wife this way ... " and more but all words just was nothing compared to him and he can't handle people this time at all . His best friend asked him " if you really don't want to spend this night alone i can come spend it with you ? ", he replied : " no i will be ok , i prefer to spend this night alone i need that so much " , he felt as if a very heavy stone was on his heart was removed when it was declared that the funeral was over , he was so eager to leave the place , to run away from reality to escape all those words of consolation that he don't want to listen or even hear any single letter of them .

It was finally over he said to his friend that he is not totally in a mood to stand and listen to any talk anymore so he will leave and go to his home as all what he want to hear now is deep silence . As he entered his home he felt so lonely as if suddenly life stopped and night and day were over , he struggled to swallow his pain and sadness , he tried to do his best to prevent his tears from escapimg from his eyes and the worst he was in a severe fight against this killing pain in his heart , the pain of knowing he will not hear her voice again , the pain that he will not hug her tightly with his arms again , the pain that he will not even argue with her again . The whole idea about losing her in that way was killing every single cell inside him , the most thing that really hurt him so much deep inside is that the fear of losing her become so living truth that he don't know how to deal with .

He started to feel that he can't handle the feeling of losing any one anymore , so he started to be more alone to spend many days and nights alone , even his close friends he stopped to hang out with telling them fake excuses about not going out with , all his life was just to go to work and go back home , spending most of his time reading her diary or watching their photos together , for him life was over just few days until he will follow her to heaven . That night when he fell sleep he dreamed of her , she was so beautiful so alive to him , she gave to him a paper written in it two words that he don't know what they really mean or even written in which language , she said to him : " keep this paper with you and try to do your best to understand what is inside it " and as soon as he moved his hand towards her to touch her beautiful face he woke up due to his clock alarm sound , he was covered by sweat and his heart beats were so fast  , he sat on his bed taking his breath trying to calm himself as much as he can , he then went to the bathroom standing infront  of the mirror washing his face with water , he looked at his eyes so deep in the mirror remembering each detail in the dream and suddenly he remembered the words that was written in the paper his wife's spirit gave to him so he hurried up to his desk and grapped a pen and wrote down those two words " Aetatis Progressu " ..... to be continued.